The Surreal World of Va11arta Continues

Still processing the news that my landlord was killed yesterday. Several people sent me links to the newspaper article which as would be expected, included gruesome bloody photos and even video. Normally I can't and don't want to see that type of thing. This time I had to look and watch it all. Thinking that maybe if I saw it in graphic images, it would make it that much more real. But in the end, it's still pretty surreal.

The surreal part comes from seeing all the Va11arta people I know update Faceb00k and write on the forums about clubbing, restaurants, the library, etc. with no mention being made of this. I even emailed someone who lived 2 blocks from where it happened (he lived a block from me; I lived 3 blocks from where it happened) and he hadn't heard a thing and even suggested I was mistaken.

You can see in this video I pulled off the Net (don't worry, nothing graphic in this one) that there were at least a dozen military people on the block and 6 had machine guns and black face masks -- it wasn't exactly a small incident.

Anyone who knows me well, knows I had nothing but animosity for this guy. He was undoubtedly the worst Mexxican man I've met. And I knew it was a matter of time before this happened; I'm only surprised it didn't happen sooner and that he lived so freely, often standing outside his business hanging out. The articles make no mention of finding a gun on him; I don't know if he carried it all the time. And even though I think the whole family is rotten to the core, my sympathies still go out to them. No matter who you are or how bad you or your family is, most people will still feel sadness and loss if their son/brother/uncle dies.

It was weird that seeing him dead, he looks a bit different, less angry and more at peace. Not that he'd never smile, but I remember him often having an angry scowl on his face.

In that photo, I can't help but see the strong family resemblance to one of his nephews. I took this photo of the nephew (who lived across the street) right before I left and it haunts me. Unless something drastically changes in that family, I fear the same fate for this little boy.

J0nathan and I haven't been in contact for a couple of weeks or so. But today he texted me to say "Hace un año, fui feliz" (A year ago, I was happy). It was a year ago that we started dating for the second time. It made me pause to think about us and our relationship but not too much.

And then tonight I got back from a Ph0toshop training and wanted to practice some things I learned and I opened recent images and found this:


That touched me. I look into his eyes and feel a part of his soul. And remember what is was like when it was good when we were together. And know I love him, but shouldn't be in a relationship with him.

Motivation - Here vs. There

We are who we are. And a friend once said in response to something I posted on this blog, to not let a place define you.

But Va11arta is different and it makes me a different person. Whenever I say that, I feel like most everyone who hasn't lived there doesn't understand. I see a bit of skepticism in their eye or in their tone of voice. Like maybe I'm making excuses.

But I'm not an excuse making person. And this topic of what makes Va11arta so different and causes people to act in different ways continues to both confound and fascinate me. I really wish a team of anthropologists, sociologists, and psychologists could analyze the place and really help us all understand exactly what it is that causes people to act the way they do.

It's not to say that it's unique. It might share things in common with other beach resorts or ex-pat communities. But I can only speak for what I know.

Specifically, I see how it impacts motivation. Those of us Americans who live or have lived there understand this and discuss it. I come back to NYC and I get all kinds of ideas and energy. It's been 7 weeks since I've been back in eNYC and the first few weeks were absorbed with settling in, catching up with friends and family, and setting up a little home base here. But I seem to be getting back to myself and getting more stuff accomplished and I feel more motivated.

But the big question is how to maintain this if I decide to go back to Va11arta?

Back

I'm back. Back here to blog about being back in eNYC. Time goes so fast when you look back, but sometimes days go slow and yet I feel like I don't accomplish enough. That is part of being here.

As you might have imagined, I have doubts about the point of blogging anymore. I started the blog to document my move to Mexxico and my adjustment to my new life there. Frankly, I never thought about really moving back to eNYC. I had hoped I left small apartments, high rents, bad weather, and meaningless jobs behind for good. But as life keeps teaching me, never ever ever say never.

One month here and I'm still jobless and don't feel much closer to having a job. I've reconnected with some photographers I know as well as some new ones and have made it known I'm looking for work, but nothing has happened. More than ever I know that I love photography and if I could have any job (and be successful at it), it would be as a wedding photographer. But I still struggle with my confidence more than ever and the business end of things. I continue to get inquiries, but still no bookings. Today a friend asked if I'd consider lowering my prices and I might go that route for awhile here in eNYC. There are still about 4 months left of wedding season so it's not completely too late, but I need to be more aggressive and make it a higher priority.

I've also decided I'm ready to pursue temping in earnest. My resume is ready to go and I have a lead with a friend of a friend who's temped a lot in the past and has connections there. I think the money will be decent, not great but decent, enough to at least cover expenses and hopefully start to help me pay off the debt hanging over my head.

I feel in major ways, life hasn't changed all that much by the change in location. I still spend most of my time alone, actually more so now. I still spend a lot of time in front of the computer. I feel isolated and wish I had more connection with friends and also wish I had a great boyfriend.

There are differences too. I have a far inferior living space/condition although my utilities are reliable and I'm thankful to have any place at all. My neighborhood is even noisier in some ways, but no screaming children or roosters. And I close the windows most of the time and run the ac both to cool off and for background noise. Food is more varied and I'm enjoying it, but I miss my salad from Luis' burrito place, churros from the old guy near the church, and sopes and quesadillas from La H0rmiga.

But maybe the biggest difference is that I feel hope for the future here and I don't feel completely stuck. I'm sort of stuck here right now, but I feel it's temporary and with work and time, it will change. I feel I will find work and start getting back on track financially which is how I've lived nearly all of my life. I feel I could actually meet someone here to have a relationship with. It's a big city and you have to make more of an effort to meet people, but there are a lot of good people doing good things in this city and that's refreshing.

I definitely don't see myself living here for longer than I need to, but I'm also realistic to know that could be 6 months, a year, maybe even more. Having moved away and broken the spell and experienced a beautiful place, closer to nature with more space to live personally and more wide open space, cheaper rent, better weather, it's really not so alluring to be back here. I enjoy seeing my friends, but they've also moved on with their own lives and there's currently not a whole lot of space there for me. And of course the food and ease of getting "things" is nice. But I've learned to enjoy it when I visit and stock up for when I'm not here. I no longer need everything at my doorstep all the time.

So it remains to be seen what will happen. I'm open and waiting and working to move forward and see what's next.

New Meaning to an Old Song

Last night I was volunteering for a fundraising event for 2 local animal organizations. It was quite an impressive evening in one of the most spectacular villas I've seen.

At one point, a famous tenor started singing New York, New York. Normally I roll my eyes at this song. It's so overdone and it's sort of silly to me how much non-New Yorkers seem to love it.

But as I listened to the words, I felt I was relating to the song in a way I never had before. Here are the lyrics, annotated with my thoughts:

Start spreading the news, I’m leaving today  - Not today but in about 2 weeks
I want to be a part of it - New York, New York -I don't necessarily want to be
a part of it permanently but I will be for awhile and it will be nice to sort of
just blend in as an American.
These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray - Yes, I'm a vagabond.  And it's time
for the next move.
Right through the very heart of it - New York, New York - Not exactly.  I'll be living
in an outer-borough, not really the heart which to me will always be Manhattan.

I wanna wake up in a city, that doesn’t sleep - Of course I like this part.
And find I’m king of the hill - top of the heap - Yes, I want to get my 
old confidence back again and feel successful.

These little town blues, are melting away - I am living in a little town 
and I've been a little depressed lately so I do hope the little town blues melt away.
I’ll make a brand new start of it - in old New York - It will be a brand new start 
in what to me is definitely "old" New York.
If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere - This lyric used to bug me because 
I feel it's much harder to make it in Puerto Va11arta than it is in New York but
now my take on it is that if I can move back, get work, get out of debt, 
and save some money for the next step, I'll be in a better position to be on my way 
to making it in another location.
It’s up to you - New York, New York - What happens in NYC will determine 
my future path.

Steps Closer

I just finished purchasing my friend K*rt's ticket to come down here and fly back with me, the cats, and my stuff. I finally made the reservation yesterday, but hesitated to make the final decision until the last minute tonight.

As usual, nothing was easy. I didn't have enough frequent flyer miles for even a one way ticket on @merican. (Even though I had more miles with #nited, their flights were a lot more expensive as well as were their baggage charges.) There is an option to buy more miles and the crazy thing is that it turned out that I needed to buy less miles for a business/first class ticket than a coach ticket. The disadvantage to the ticket is that it's on an 8:30am flight; there's a 5 hour layover in Dallas, and we can't sit together (meaning the cats won't be together the whole time but I'm hoping that once we're in the air, I can put them together with me in the extra legroom in business class). But the great thing is that it's enough of a layover to visit my cousin and family in Texa$!

And of course there's the money stress of the cost of it all. It's hard living on credit and balance between necessary spending and overspending. Because really *all of it* is overspending. But at this point, it's my best option (withdrawing money from my IRA is an option but I don't think it's a good one) and I need to go forward (and further into debt) and have faith/confidence that I will find a job back in eNYC and start being able to both cover my expenses and pay off my debt.

I went on Craigslist last night and looked for awhile. Still not sure if I can bear going back to computer development work or if I will look for something else. I really, really, really hate to give up on photography because I really do love it more than ever. I have one lead of a photographer in CT who's looking for a second shooter. She wants a resume so I spent today putting that together and I think it's pretty much set. I'm thinking I should push to get second shooter jobs no matter what because they're on the weekend and the pay even when it isn't great, is pretty good. And if I decide to pursue the corporate job route, I can actually do both.

I have to say that I have been feeling nothing but support from my friends and family about this move. It's been a really great feeling. And even some of my friends/acquaintances here have been positive (although I think they're less positive because my decision to leave calls into question their decision to stay).

Today I had the feeling that it's the right decision I've made. I'm not 100% happy about having to do it or the details of it. I will miss many things about my life here. But it's the right thing to do at this point. And more than anything I'm excited to see where it leads me and what it leads me to.

Sunday the miles purchase will go through and then I have to purchase my ticket by Monday evening. And then on Thursday May 27th, 3 weeks from today (and 5 years from the date I flew here for the first time), I will officially be a New Y0rker again.

Mixed Feelings

Arghh! Today is one of those bad days thinking about moving back to the US.

Yesterday I went to talk with my landlord (the good brother, the one they tried to kill...damn, they were really wrong on that one...but I digress...) to let him know I'm leaving. I rehearsed what I was going to say and started off with a little ego stroke, "I'm hoping you can help me out". I want to use my security deposit for next month's rent, the last month. He seemed ok with it. At one point the bad brother came in and overheard the conversation and started saying I never gave a security deposit (hmm, that's funny because I have a document with his signature stating I did). He never gives up trying to give me a hard time. Anyway, the "good" brother (or maybe I should just call him the "better" brother) said he will come by today to talk about settling the outstanding water bill and that should settle things for now. I don't think he's coming by, but I should be ready with my spreadsheet where I figured out shares and usage.

Today my downstairs neighbor yelled up and said he'd heard I'm leaving. News travels fast! He's interested for 2 reasons. One is because I've been the one organizing us to have gas for hot water and cooking in the building. If I don't act, no one does. And he wants my plants. We started talking about which ones he wanted and I gave him some prices. I'm hoping to sell some and maybe give some to Jonathan to care for (my most beloved ones) in case I do come back.

I came inside and started to feel really depressed. These plants are really an extension of me. I care for them daily by watering, picking off dead leaves, fertilizing them once a week. And that care shows. People comment all the time how beautiful they are. (There are 30+.) One in particular has been with me for nearly 5 years now. A gift from my deceased friend @lden when I first got here. (How come in my 20 years in eNYC, none of my friends died but here 2 have? Another topic.) Thinking about giving them up is painful. It's an acknowledgment that I'm leaving and may never come back. And makes me think about where I will be staying in eNYC which just isn't as nice as where I am now and won't have even a fraction of the space to accommodate plants like this.

I know it will be ok and that to move here, I had to give up many beautiful plants. That nothing is permanent and by giving up things you make space for even better things to come into your life. But I'm still trying to process all the feelings I have about this move. When I moved here there wasn't as much anxiety and mixed feelings. Sure I was nervous, but something deep in my soul told me it was the right thing to do. I think going back to eNYC is the right thing to do for economic reasons, but I'm not feeling the same positive feelings overall.

And this was also highlighted by me starting to look into mobile devices. Here I've survived with a cheap cell phone with no capabilities besides making calls and texting. But if I'm going to be job hunting and especially if I'm going to freelance with photography, people need to reach me and have me get back to them ASAP. Things move faster there. I'm out of the loop as to what's available, what the options are, how much it all costs, etc. Which just depresses me more because I know it's all more expensive and will take time to learn about to make the decision about which is the best option.

Just one of the things that makes me cringe about living in the US. I can totally see why even if I don't love it here, it's easier to stay here. I don't know if I'm ready for that life again where everything moves so fast and everyone's life is all about work and there's never enough time for anything and you feel like a hamster on a wheel. I used to be constantly sleep deprived because I actually did want a full life outside of work and the only way to do that is to get less sleep. And there, no matter how much money you make, it's never enough.

It's all part of the process. I know I will have feelings like this so I just try to acknowledge them and keep plodding through and making small steps toward leaving.